| Thomas M. |
[Mar. 26th, 2008|11:25 pm] |
Bring me your tired horses and your fresh women! Thomas cried.
This is an actual quote said by my friend, the tyrant, Thomas M.
Return to the internet you frightened fool, or I will find you and drag you through the muck you have raked! |
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| BIRDS! the REMAKE1 |
[May. 31st, 2007|04:51 am] |
They are remaking the movie The Birds, and thusly, it is only fitting and befitting that there be birds a-chirpin outside my winda! Soon I shall go to the Land of Sleep but will those birds? Dear sir I'm game to gamble THEY WILL NOT!
Who do those birds think they are?! Do they think they are the best animal on the planet?! They are certainly not! This is concrete fact. Sound based logic. Birds are certainly not the best beast.
You know that song about being a bird, "I'm Like a Bird" well it's about being like a bird? Some song!
I'm going to show up to the opening night of The Birds The Remake with a bunch of feathers on my coat. We'll see what those Hollywood types think about that! Sorry Max Weinstein, but I was BORN outside of the BOX!
Goodnight America! Stay free. Stay proud. Stay freedom.
BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS A CHIRPY CHIRP CHIRP!!! |
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| YUCK-YUCKS AHOOOOOOOOOY! |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|02:28 am] |
Dear Everyone,
This is Robin Williams! Hold on to your funny socks because I'm gonna KNOCK EM OFF! Okay so here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooo
So how about the checkout lines at the grocery SNORE I know it's like SNORE because of how TIRED I am from fucking standing here ALL DAY
Alrighty here's anotherrrrrrr 111111111111
Why do taxi drivers always have to have ZANY last NAMES?! Huh?! ITS LIKE are you from FRANCE or are you just FUCKING WEIRD?!
Wuh wah wuh wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo here's the next winner
And how about the PRESIDENT of our United States?! What if Canada went on a date with George Bush I bet Canada would be like YOU GET THE BILL get it because THEY ARE CHEAPSKATES!
I LIKE TO GO CHEAPICESKATING! Horgh horgh HOOOOOOOOOORGH!
ALLLLLkay and speaking of political humor what's the deal with TONY BLAIR what if there was such a fucking thing as the TONY BLAIR WITCH PROJECT who would star in that maybe HUGH GRANT because he's so BRITISH! AND WHGAts the deal with the name BritiSH its like they are SHUSHING us at the end there I MEAN SERIOUSLY I DONT GET IT!
Alrightyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy folks I gottaaaaa gooooo but hey if you liked this I have a movie coming out called DONT TOUCH THAT! and its about me and I'm SOMEONES' DAD!
HUH?! YEAH! I said it
Yuck-yucks AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!!!!!!
IM
ON
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERES BLOOD ON MY SHEETS AND I DONT KNOW WHOSE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Robin Williams
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|12:09 am] |
"Hey, if everyone jumped off a bridge would you do it too?"
People only say that when it's something they disagree with. As soon as it's something they agree with it's like,
"JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2007|02:01 am] |
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My image of the future is homes filled with bodies rotted to the bone holding assault rifles pointed at their neighbors' houses. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2007|04:16 am] |
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You can't make great works of art when you're happy, but when you're depressed you can't make anything at all. That's why no great works of art exist. We only think great works of art exist because our standards are low. Just imagine how great the works of art you enjoy now could've been if this paradox did not exist. |
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| Tonight, God's a Chef |
[Mar. 2nd, 2007|01:15 am] |
I'm starving. I could eat anything right now and it would taste like God threw on an apron and decided he felt like cooking tonight, then determined who got the meal by drawing my name out of a hat with billions of other names in it, and I'd forget to thank him before digging in. I'm just that fucking hungry.
So why don't I just walk downstairs and get something to eat? Because I climbed a personal Everest tonight and I don't feel like sledding back down yet. I feel like setting up camp at the peak for a night to savor the moment.
I ran three times longer than I ever have before. My body lets me know it hasn't been pushed this hard in quite some time by shaking, particularly my legs, which makes it difficult to climb the staircase to the shower, and even to walk the ten feet over to my room after that.
My legs ache but I can't wait to go to sleep so I can break this fast as fast as possible tomorrow morning.
It feels good though. Really good. It makes me wonder why people ever bother having sex when a climax like this can be reached on one's own, and in a way that's infinitely more satisfying than masturbation. This makes me realize that I haven't done so in a long time. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have to again.
"Well...as long as I keep running..."
The shaking has stopped. It's been a while since I stopped moving and I think they've remembered what it's like to not be in constant motion.
As soon as I'm finished typing, I'll roll my chair over to the side of my bed and sleep where I land. I'm going to ache tomorrow no matter what, so I doubt I'll notice if more pains are acquired from sleeping in an awkward position.
I decide that, if need be tomorrow morning, I'll roll myself down the steps and into the kitchen, then proceed to eat everything within my reach.
"Thank God I have a long reach," is my last thought of the night. The last image is my room spinning. The last sound is silence, which is what I need to hear after hours of blasting music.
The ringing in my ears, the aching of my legs, the dizziness from the hunger... I'm so hungry.
Tomorrow I'm going to eat the best meal of my life, made up of whatever I can reach. Thank God I have a long reach. |
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| "This might be the only Bible they get to read..." |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|02:27 am] |
WHAT IF I LITERALLY FOUND JESUS AND HE WAS ONLY 3 INCHES TALL AND I PUT HIM IN A JAR AND KEPT HIM AS A PET HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE HASN'T DONE IT ALREADY THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!
OH MY GOD IT COULD BE TRUE!!!!!! PASS THIS INFORMATION ON!!!! |
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| OSCAR BUZZ ALDRIN |
[Feb. 25th, 2007|06:44 pm] |
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Dear Christ, the Oscars haven't happened yet? Why have they not passed yet? I swear to God every advertisement I saw said they were happening that coming weekend and that I started seeing them like three months ago. Doesn't everyone know by now how meaningless they've become? Do people really give a shit if that precocious little fat girl from Little Miss Sunshine wins Best Supporting Actress for playing the role of a precocious little fat girl? When will we stop giving a shit about the minutiae of celebrities' lives? Britney Spears shaved her head. She got a haircut and it's front page news. Michael Jackson was worth the coverage. He looks like an alien, he molests everything in sight, and he has an amusement park in his backyard. He is the model all celebrities should follow (for sustaining their career without ever having to do any work). I have to admit, Britney is doing a fine job herself. She hasn't released an album in quite sometime and, unlike Michael Jackson, even when she did it was complete shit. And yet, she's still in the papers. We live in a very strange place. If I was an alien (an actual alien, not a celebrity who resembled one) and I landed pretty much anywhere in America, I'd run back to my spaceship as fast possible, screaming an alien scream of horror. I'd take one look at an ironic t-shirt or a Larry the Cable Guy DVD and cry green tears. I'd fear for my life knowing that I landed on a planet inhabited by insane, mentally handicapped (especially compared to my large alien brain) people and be gripped with fear. And that's before I learned anything about this country and the current state of the Earth. The more I would learn, the more horrified I would become. As I flew back to my planet I'd wonder, "How does life exist on that planet?!" and in a few years, when the Earth implodes or goes into another Ice Age or melts or whatever horrible thing Global Warming will cause, I will not be surprised. I will shrug my alien shoulders and go back to playing with my alien Rubik's Cube (with 7,000 sides and colors). I (as myself, not an alien) feel doomed. In addition to the endless supply of personal problems, I feel confronted by an infinite amount of national (And global) problems. I don't understand how anyone could be happy unless it's in that Dr. Strangelove "Yee-haw!" riding on the back of a nuke type of way. Everyone should be frowning. But people remain blissfully unaware. I'm jealous, I really am. My life is constant frustration and always will be. I wish I could be excited for something as trivial as the Oscars, not in a if-there-was-a-genie-here-it-would-be-my-first-wish type of way though. It wouldn't be any of my wishes. But genies aren't real. Magic isn't real. So, with the circumstances of reality in mind, I wish that I was a complete moron, so I could smile at the sparkles on J-Lo's dress, "Shiny!" instead of thinking about punching Ryan Seacrest in the face. Okay, to be fair, I think everyone wants to punch Ryan Seacrest in the face, even Ryan Seacrest. I'd have so much more respect for him if he did that, too. Live on the red carpet, pre-Oscars (which I'm now realizing are happening tonight, I believe), Ryan Seacrest just starts punching himself in the face screaming, "Let this be an example to you all!!!" If an alien saw that, he'd still be horrified. That's why War of the Worlds will never happen. That's my thesis. I should've stated that at the beginning. Sorry COLLEGE I guess you didn't make me write enough thesis papers. Maybe if I had done 30 more I'd be able to effectively frame my argument. But then again, I've always been partial to the classic rant. And the best part of the classic rant is the ending. Fuck you. |
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